The Great British Scam
Posted on | 3 comments
There is a great scam in England that goes by the name of budget airlines. They tempt you in with great prices like London to Rome for a penny. Except it’s not London, it’s Luton and it’s not Rome it’s some provincial town 30 miles away.
Upon further investigation you discover that the actual flight that is a penny is at 5am. On a Wednesday morning. In November. 2012.
My ire with these non-budget airlines is relevant right now because I’ve just booked two trips, one to Amsterdam with BMIBaby and the other to Edinburgh with EasyJet.
Over the years these airlines have evolved new and innovative ways to suck as much money as possible out of the unsuspecting budget traveller. Their audacity knows no bounds as they continue their ruthless push to cut costs and increase revenue.
First off, BMIBaby is guilty of advertising prices without airport tax included, something which even fierce competitor EasyJet manages to rise above. Yes, i know BMIBaby is not responsible for the tax, but since when has any consumer driven company displayed a non-inclusive price?
So the first shock, after thinking you’ve discovered a bargain is that airport tax is added on which can add as much as a 1/3rd of the cost.
Next you are asked how many bags you want to check in, I assumed it would just be the one until it then said there would be a £36 surcharge for checked in luggage!
Whoa there! I couldn’t find the back button fast enough. I will wear my change of clothes instead of handing over extortionate amounts of money to you! I’d rather wear three layers of clothes and stew in my own sweat – although a disturbing new thought has just hit me about how to take toiletries on these trips as we can’t take liquids, gels or sprays on the plane. Crap. Bastards!
Ok, next, “do you want to check in online or at the airport?” well screw you, if you check in at the airport that’ll be £15 please. Again, this raises the question, how do you check in online and print your boarding pass when you’re returning from your destination? Sir, that’ll be £15 please.
The next step in the never ending checkout process is to pick your seats. Once again, EasyJet outshines BMIBaby in this area. You select your outbound and return seats and an ominous ‘processing’ alert flashes up. The reason soon becomes clear, you are being charged £10 for the luxury of choosing your seats. Once again, we’re like, steady on, find the back button, I’ll sit in the toilet cubicle thank you very much. But that option isn’t available. Turns out that you don’t have a choice in the matter, choosing your seats and paying £10 for the privilege is a forced luxury. This is most certainly not mentioned in any advertising!
The biggest kick in the teeth is when they say they are having a “special offer” on the seat choosing process. Well that’s nice, instead of paying £10 ON TOP OF THE COST OF THE PLANE TICKETS, you will be charged “just” £5. Which is very sporting of them.
The final options page tries to pedal a number of upsells (classic internet marketing and any other time I would look on and take notes).
Do you want extortionate travel insurance for just £8 that probably has a clause to get out of paying for any claim?
No, I’ll take my chances
Do you want the use of our departure lounge for £15?
No, I’ll sit on my carrier bag of clothes that I didn’t check in.
Do you want to be able to board the plane first, a whole 2 minutes before everyone else for a mere £5
Nope. I will arrive at the last possible minute to try and throw you off schedule instead.
Will you be checking in any ski equipment?
Err, I’m going to Holland, not normally a destination renown for it’s mountains and pistes.
Do you want a hire car?
No, I’m going to be drunk the whole time, even Holland with it’s few laws, doesn’t allow drink driving. Or at least frowns heavily upon it.
Do you want a hotel?
Yes, but not through you, you cheating thieving bastards
And so the never ending questions go on and on, you say “no” to them all and get to the next page, which simply asks you all the questions again but in a shorter format. Eventually though you manage to get to the checkout page and it asks you what payment type you will use. Nothing unusual there, Visa Debit thank you very much. Enter card details click next and it asks you to confirm the flight details and amount.
You double check everything, pull out your calculator, open a new window and check the flight prices. But there it is, one final sting in the tail. They flipping (this is a PG-13 blog) well charge you for using your credit card to pay for the tickets!
So to get this straight, first they charge you for the tickets, which apparently doesn’t include the seats because you have to pay £10 (but save £10 because there is a ‘sale’!) for them. To actually pay the company for their services, you have to pay another fee for the privilage. Whoever came up with that little doozey obviously deserves a payrise for corkscrew thinking.
As shocking as all this sounds, it actually gets even worse, below is the text that is included at the bottom of your confirmation email hidden amongst the terms and conditions that no one actually reads…unless you’re me. Apparently.
Due to security measures from the UK Government, all airlines are required to provide advance passenger information (API or APIS) for all passengers travelling to and from the UK on an international flight. API requires Passport/valid photo ID information to be captured prior to travel. Failure to give APIS information will result in passengers not being permitted to travel. Please note that if you have chosen to check in online, you will have to provide this information before you check in online. To ensure the security measures are addressed in the most efficient and precise manner, each passenger must provide this information online prior to checking in online or arriving at the airport, and at least 3 hours before the standard time of departure. It is the responsibility of the passenger to ensure that the information provided is correct. Please note if this information has not been provided in full prior to arriving at the airport, there will be a charge of £5 per passenger per sector for bmibaby to administer this at the airport. You will have to go to a check in desk to provide this information. APIS data cannot be taken at the departure gate. This charge is non-refundable. The request for the advance passenger information is a direct requirement from the UK Government and we apologise for any inconvenience this may cause.
Well, in a nutshell it says you should login (no link to the page is provided) and enter your passport details otherwise you’ll be charged £5 at the airport. What?! Why don’t they ask for this as part of the checkout process. Entering your details takes 30 seconds, but BMIBaby sees fit to charge you £5 for this.
Now I have to come to the point where I will bring my Indian friends close to tears, as for the first time since I started this blog, I am about to admit that India does soemthing many, many times better than England.
In India, budget airlines are proper airlines with cheap tickets. The prices are comparable to England, but they don’t make a fuss over baggage allowances, check-in, payments, it’s just “here’s the all inclusive cost, please make a payment”.
And even once you are on the plane, the pleasent experience continues as the airlines practice the somewhat dubious policy of employing only young beautiful girls, which, to be fair, is wonderful for the predominantly male traveller in India 
The seats are leather (or leatherish), they recline, you get plenty of leg room and the real clincher is that no matter how long or short the flight is, you get a full in-flight dinner, all included in the cost. None of the day light robbery that BMIBaby practices with £1.50 for a tiny can of Coke.
Frankly, airlines in England have an awful lot to learn from their Indian compatriates. They do it better, cheaper and with more class, elegance and flair than anything I’ve seen back in Britain.
However, being the business man that I am, I’ve come up with a number of innovative ways these tight arsed penny pinchers can suck even more money out of us. Who knows, maybe I’ll get employed as Head of Outrageous Charges by one of these companies.
1. Councils are doing it so why not budget airlines? Charge a pound for every time someone uses the toilet mid-flight.
2. New security measure, you must use airline baggage for the flight. You hire the baggage on the outbound flight and return it on the inbound flight. This allows the airline to efficiently pack bags in the hold, saving time and maximising luggage space. The cost will be £5 per bag.
3. Ticket prices by weight of the passenger. It’s a well known fact that the waist line of the average Briton is explanding. Why not charge £1 per kilo? Surcharge for those over 80KG.
4. Surcharge the 18-25 crowd. Because they are always drunk, going on holiday with their mates and generally causing problems on flights. Let’s penalize them all.
If you were a low cost airline in Briton, what surcharges would you add to increase profits?
Related posts:
- The Stormpay Saga (scam?!)
- Three Great Films You Probably Haven’t Seen
- Great Web Design Resource
- No Kissing Please… We’re British!
- British Teenagers Living In La-La Land
I’d make an amendment to idea #2: I’d make the bags just a fraction larger than the maximum size allowed by my airline, allowing me to charge an extra surcharge on all items of luggage.
You are a bit late with #1. Ryanair have already mooted that one!
This is a great site. Now listen to this My mum experienced the BMI Baby Scam and she is a rule player. On her way from Birmingham to Prague they were charging £30 for lagguage based on different measurements than by the checking downstaires in the terminal. Basically left hand does not do as right hand:))Luckily we are not poor but the non customer service is unbelievable you have two Gestapo Ladies well Females standing by the gate they do not allow you to touch your lagguage for measurements but more than anything the measurements on tickets, downstairs in the checking terminal and upstairs by the gate do not agree. Ofcourse they will not as this gives BMI BABY the upper hand to finally get their revenue a punishment for selling you so called low cost. Never Mind my mum wanted to pay via Cash but guess what, she could not cos she did not possess the right amount of notes. The obrupt Gestapo Staff of BMI Baby basically missing a whip, my mum my friends and us will not take a flight with BMI BABY because we do not like to be treated like some kind of criminals. I will be Writting everywhere now, spreading the word maybe have it published, so people know not to believe in low cost flight with BMI as they are Ripping us off.